Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Working Mom guilt strikes

My kids have a really nice Nanny. She is tolerant and patient. The kids esp. M love her! And that must mean that I am very happy with the situation right? WRONG!
So here's what happened. A few days back, I worked my butt off drove an hour each way (just trying to emphasize how hard I have to work to get the ketchup on the table ), I reach home and the kids are happy and lolling around. They see me and give me a big smile, when I go to grab M so I can kiss that face, she turns away. She goes to the Nanny and refuses to come to me. She's just happy there. My feelings really hurt, I turn to N and pick him up. He's a good boy though and does the dutiful laughing and gurgling. But my heart is aching and so I go again to M, but she is happy in her Auntie's lap. I put on a brave face and don't let my feelings show. A few minutes after, the Nanny leaves and now I am M's center of the world. Smart child this?!

Everyday, I get to spend at the most 4 hours with the kids. I reach home at 6 and the kids get sleepy by 8-8:30. I get a little bit over an hour in the morning with them. That's it!
But this past week, has been worst! I have been leaving home at 7 and reaching home around 7, so I get not even 2 hours with them. And those 2 hours include getting dinner on the table and having my laptop on and trying to write a few lines of code in between feeding the kids, playing with them, changing them etc etc. I feel terrible. I miss them so much!
So this weekend, I made the most of it. I spent as much time with them as possible, did the whole Ashtmi pooja with them, made them some halwa and then we all loaded up in the car and we spent half the day shopping for the twinardoes. And might I just add that shopping for boys sucks, whereas it is a paradise for girls! Got the cutest outfits for M. Poor N though is stuck with blue and brown. Sorry N, I will look elsewhere for your clothes.
But back to my guilt, Monday mornings are the worst! The weekends seem to rush by and then Monday morning comes. Although the kids don't cry when we leave, but it's the most frustrating thing to do.
What doesn't help is Mom friends who stay at home. One such friend when holding M says to her, 'You are with Mom every day....i mean the whole weekend...' I was dumb founded. Was there the need of the correction and stress the point?
A neighbor was very frank when she told me the other day, that she sends her kid to a certain day care because it is worry free, they even don't ask you to give diaper or formula. And you can drop the kid off as early as 6:30. She said candidly, I know I don't have to worry and I can go to work as early as possible come back by 4:30. She didn't feel bad at all saying this and when I told her I respected her attitude, she told me she doesn't care for others, what works for her she does, the others be damned. Her kids were happy too and didn't mind it. They have a routine too and they love sleeping in on weekends, much to the Mom's happiness. Now isn't that nice?
But I am sure people will find fault with this and will tell her how she is a horrible Mom for waking her kids up that early etc etc. There is no winning situation.
I don't know If I would rather stay home and be with the kids. I guess in a idle world yes, but the way things are right now, I have to go to work everyday. Every day when I close the door behind me, as I leave for work, I wish for a few more minutes with the kids. I have no idea where the time went and they got so big. They are 10 months now.