Monday, April 09, 2007

The past week is up there in my list of "worst weeks".
Not only was it a hectic week, it was sad and i was very week emotionally and mentally.
It didn't start on a good note at all, for I had a deployment of a new application, the deployment had a lot of hiccups, the network not being available, my import programs running slowly. But Monday morning things were running smoothly...with the initial user errors and some things we didn't think of happening and solving the programs on the fly. it was a hectic day and finally when i went home that day i just prayed that things would get better. Well they didn't, it seemed like everyone wanted me to do everything at the same time fir them and i was not really handling all the pressure well, i hate being the only one who knows how to do somethings. i wish there was a back up plan intact here, but it isn't.

Thursday rolled by and my life was really not going well, the only thing looking positive was that Gourav would be coming back from Kansas City that day. Around lunch time that day, i got a shock that would probably change our office forever. Our network Engineer had not been feeling well that week and hadn't been coming in, but we hadn't heard from him in 2 days and Jeff got worried about him and so thought he should go and see how he is. His name is John Thomas. John is divorced and used to live alone so when our calls to him went unanswered, it was concerning. So jeff went to his house and he saw John's car was in the garage but he would answer the door or the phone. So Jeff called the cops for he was really worried now about John. Jeff was the first person to discover John dead. John was probably trying to make himself a bath when he died, he was suffering from pneumonia. Jeff has not been himself since and we cannot get ourselves to get used to the fact that the guy who sat not more than 1 feet away from us is no more.
Jeff cried and that broke me completely. It's like when a person who you regard as your hero breaks, you think the end of the world is near. I have been not able to shake this feeling of utter chaos and loss from my heart since. i have spent some sleepless nights, thinking about John and how he must be alone...i cannot deal with the empty desk in my office. Jeff came that very night back to the office and cleaned John's desk, it's blank and it stares at me all the time and i cannot look at it. i have to pass it each time i enter the office or leave...

Friday was the day when i finally lost all control and broke down, the stress of all the work i had, seeing Jeff like that and John, it just broke me and all I wanted to do was run away from work. it was one of my weakest moments at work, and i cried. i felt like a fool after that, but it did some good, i just started doing things mechanically without thinking, so that might have been good.

I have been thinking how i am going to go to John's funeral today. It's not about me and it's not about Jeff, it's about seeing John....

May John's soul rest in peace and may God give his family strength to deal with this loss.


  1. where is a shrink when you need one3:26 PM

    hope you are feeling better now and things are falling into place again.
    you can call anytime you want, you know that. in fact, we guys tried calling you last week. did you get the message?

  2. Awww Meghs...

    dont worry things will always get better. And poor john. I feel bad for him...

    But it is also nice to know that your superhero can also have weak moments...ultimately making us realize that life is not worth all the fuss we is really simple...plays between life and death!

    Take care and stop by home tonight if poss...